So yeah, haven't posted in, what, three months? See, it really wasn't my fault. I went on a backpacking trip to the Ukraine in June, and somewhere outside Odessa I got lost. Damnedest thing. Spent two months living off the land, Survivorman-style; you know, trapping game, building shelters out of twigs and leaves, etc. Figured out how to start a fire using only some copper wires I pulled from my cell phone, a flint, and kindling. In retrospect, I should probably have just used the phone to call for help; I had a decent signal. Live and learn, I guess.
Eventually some hikers found me, but they were lost, too. Long story short, I had to eat them.
Afterwards I found a stray bear cub, his mother had been shot by poachers. I raised him and he helped me hunt and defend my makeshift shelters from predators. After we hunted down the scoundrals who shot his mother and exacted revenge (we killed their mothers), I turned him loose into the wild. I won't lie, I cried: a single, manly tear ran down my cheek as I watched him follow is kindred into the woods.
Finally, I decided that enough was enough, tore down my most recent shelter, and started the long, torturous hike out of the Ukrainian wilds. I headed due north until I found a road. Determined to follow that road until I reached civilization, I stopped only every two or three days to build a fire with what was left of my cell phone and sleep for a few hours. After several weeks I finally found what I'd been hoping for all these months: people! Unfortunately, it was only a small mining outpost, with minimal contact with the outside world.
Anyway, I ate them.
So I continued my trek along that deserted road until finally, after what seemed like eons, I found myself back home, here in Memphis. I have no idea how I got from eastern Europe to Tennessee, but one of these days I'll Google Map it.
So anyway, I've moved into the Raleigh house with Jenny, I have a full-time job servicing forklift batteries, and things are going pretty well. The end.
Eventually some hikers found me, but they were lost, too. Long story short, I had to eat them.
Afterwards I found a stray bear cub, his mother had been shot by poachers. I raised him and he helped me hunt and defend my makeshift shelters from predators. After we hunted down the scoundrals who shot his mother and exacted revenge (we killed their mothers), I turned him loose into the wild. I won't lie, I cried: a single, manly tear ran down my cheek as I watched him follow is kindred into the woods.
Finally, I decided that enough was enough, tore down my most recent shelter, and started the long, torturous hike out of the Ukrainian wilds. I headed due north until I found a road. Determined to follow that road until I reached civilization, I stopped only every two or three days to build a fire with what was left of my cell phone and sleep for a few hours. After several weeks I finally found what I'd been hoping for all these months: people! Unfortunately, it was only a small mining outpost, with minimal contact with the outside world.
Anyway, I ate them.
So I continued my trek along that deserted road until finally, after what seemed like eons, I found myself back home, here in Memphis. I have no idea how I got from eastern Europe to Tennessee, but one of these days I'll Google Map it.
So anyway, I've moved into the Raleigh house with Jenny, I have a full-time job servicing forklift batteries, and things are going pretty well. The end.
