Bail out now, because this post is just for me.
by AC - permalink
The word "busy" cannot even begin to approach how complicated things have gotten lately. But I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. First, of course, we have school. The semester is winding down, and my workload on that front has jumped up considerably. While I've managed to stay ahead of things in my HTML class despite a pretty imposing workload, I'm barely keeping up with my programming. Each lab assignment is built upon the last, which was built upon the last, etc. That means each of the three to four programs in every lab incorporates everything from each previous lab's programs. Things are getting complicated here, and I'm working my ass off to maintain the A average I promised myself I would have in my second stab at college.
But the real reason I've been so busy is the short film I'm making. I'm directing a short I wrote for Live From Memphis' eighth quarterly Lil' Film Fest. It's been a tremendous amount of work, but I don't think I've ever worked so hard at something so satisfying. Everyone in the Memphis indie film scene who has been helping me has been fantastic, as have my friends who have also never done this before. My friend Monica encouraged me to make this after reading my first draft, which I basically threw together on a whim out of sheer boredom, and before I knew it, she had contacted some great people who are volunteering to act in it, edit it, and just generally hold my hand as I try to do something I've never even considered attempting before.
To add to the stress, shooting was pushed back to next Saturday, just two days before it has to be submitted to be eligible for the festival on December 15. With so much going on, I feel like I'm on the clock 24 hours a day, unpaid, as I'm continually fielding questions about the film from those involved and perfecting the script and schedule, all while trying to take care of my house and my dogs, who are getting needier every day because of my long absences, and trying to maintain my insane grades in school.
Going back to school, I'm sort of in uncharted territory here. I'd never been more than a C+/B- student before, at least outside of standardized testing, and I'm averaging high-A's in everything now. This was my goal when I decided to go back to school, but realistically, I didn't think I could pull it off. Now I'm trying to maintain it, and the pressure is building. On top of that, I'm putting more into my music (playing bass guitar) than I ever have before. I still can't explain it, but I've never been better, and I'm determined to build on it. So I'm forcing myself to find at least an hour every day to practice. All manner of songs and genres, in multiple keys and styles. If I didn't enjoy it so much, I wouldn't be working so hard.
But all this is wreaking havoc on me physically. My insomnia is worse than ever, despite how tired I am. I'm also losing weight, which is not a great thing, as I've always struggled with gaining weight, and right now I'm 6'2" and barely reaching 160. My appetite is virtually nil, I have to force myself to eat. I'm intentionally eating healthier food, and I started working out again daily two months ago, but I think all that's doing is decreasing what little fat reserves I have while building a little muscle mass, which my abnormally high metabolism immediately starts consuming. If I had the resources, I'd consult a nutritionist, but I don't even have a fucking GP.
Still and all, I think I'm getting to a really good place. I'm done playing catch-up to my younger days, when I was first on my own, going to college, and things were still on the upswing. Trying to get back to that point -- over a decade ago now -- was a fucking pipe dream, and I held onto it for far too long. I'm hitting a new plateau now, doing things both personally and professionally that I didn't know I ever could. I have a great new friend with a beautiful little daughter, and this afternoon she handed me a painting she made, and said it was just for me. I have no idea what the hell it's supposed to be, but it's one of the most beautiful gifts I've ever been given. That's the kind of purity, artistically and personally, that I'm trying to reach now. I don't care if it's with music, or film, or web design, or just being a good person. For the record, I put it on my refrigerator.
A while ago, Monica said to me, just in passing, referring to another conversation she'd had, that we're just into our thirties, and that's not old; we're entering the prime of our lives. When she said that, everything went blurry for a moment as I realized I'd just heard something very important, and I needed to figure out why. No one had ever said that to me before. And she was right. Now is the time to make the most of life, because this is when the really good shit starts to happen. I'm grabbing every new opportunity that comes along now, because I'm tired of playing conservatively. I feel like I have the tools to do anything now, and if I fail, fine. It's a feeling I haven't had since I was as little kid, and the implications of suddenly finding my potential again at 31 are so profound that I'm sort of still processing it. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm, if not entirely happy, at least hopeful again, and that's not a feeling that you can fool yourself into believing in.
by AC - permalink
The word "busy" cannot even begin to approach how complicated things have gotten lately. But I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. First, of course, we have school. The semester is winding down, and my workload on that front has jumped up considerably. While I've managed to stay ahead of things in my HTML class despite a pretty imposing workload, I'm barely keeping up with my programming. Each lab assignment is built upon the last, which was built upon the last, etc. That means each of the three to four programs in every lab incorporates everything from each previous lab's programs. Things are getting complicated here, and I'm working my ass off to maintain the A average I promised myself I would have in my second stab at college.
But the real reason I've been so busy is the short film I'm making. I'm directing a short I wrote for Live From Memphis' eighth quarterly Lil' Film Fest. It's been a tremendous amount of work, but I don't think I've ever worked so hard at something so satisfying. Everyone in the Memphis indie film scene who has been helping me has been fantastic, as have my friends who have also never done this before. My friend Monica encouraged me to make this after reading my first draft, which I basically threw together on a whim out of sheer boredom, and before I knew it, she had contacted some great people who are volunteering to act in it, edit it, and just generally hold my hand as I try to do something I've never even considered attempting before.
To add to the stress, shooting was pushed back to next Saturday, just two days before it has to be submitted to be eligible for the festival on December 15. With so much going on, I feel like I'm on the clock 24 hours a day, unpaid, as I'm continually fielding questions about the film from those involved and perfecting the script and schedule, all while trying to take care of my house and my dogs, who are getting needier every day because of my long absences, and trying to maintain my insane grades in school.
Going back to school, I'm sort of in uncharted territory here. I'd never been more than a C+/B- student before, at least outside of standardized testing, and I'm averaging high-A's in everything now. This was my goal when I decided to go back to school, but realistically, I didn't think I could pull it off. Now I'm trying to maintain it, and the pressure is building. On top of that, I'm putting more into my music (playing bass guitar) than I ever have before. I still can't explain it, but I've never been better, and I'm determined to build on it. So I'm forcing myself to find at least an hour every day to practice. All manner of songs and genres, in multiple keys and styles. If I didn't enjoy it so much, I wouldn't be working so hard.
But all this is wreaking havoc on me physically. My insomnia is worse than ever, despite how tired I am. I'm also losing weight, which is not a great thing, as I've always struggled with gaining weight, and right now I'm 6'2" and barely reaching 160. My appetite is virtually nil, I have to force myself to eat. I'm intentionally eating healthier food, and I started working out again daily two months ago, but I think all that's doing is decreasing what little fat reserves I have while building a little muscle mass, which my abnormally high metabolism immediately starts consuming. If I had the resources, I'd consult a nutritionist, but I don't even have a fucking GP.
Still and all, I think I'm getting to a really good place. I'm done playing catch-up to my younger days, when I was first on my own, going to college, and things were still on the upswing. Trying to get back to that point -- over a decade ago now -- was a fucking pipe dream, and I held onto it for far too long. I'm hitting a new plateau now, doing things both personally and professionally that I didn't know I ever could. I have a great new friend with a beautiful little daughter, and this afternoon she handed me a painting she made, and said it was just for me. I have no idea what the hell it's supposed to be, but it's one of the most beautiful gifts I've ever been given. That's the kind of purity, artistically and personally, that I'm trying to reach now. I don't care if it's with music, or film, or web design, or just being a good person. For the record, I put it on my refrigerator.
A while ago, Monica said to me, just in passing, referring to another conversation she'd had, that we're just into our thirties, and that's not old; we're entering the prime of our lives. When she said that, everything went blurry for a moment as I realized I'd just heard something very important, and I needed to figure out why. No one had ever said that to me before. And she was right. Now is the time to make the most of life, because this is when the really good shit starts to happen. I'm grabbing every new opportunity that comes along now, because I'm tired of playing conservatively. I feel like I have the tools to do anything now, and if I fail, fine. It's a feeling I haven't had since I was as little kid, and the implications of suddenly finding my potential again at 31 are so profound that I'm sort of still processing it. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm, if not entirely happy, at least hopeful again, and that's not a feeling that you can fool yourself into believing in.
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